Why "Veepstakes"? Why?; Also, Notes For Drunk McCain Strategists

LISTENING TO SOMEONE UTTER THE NON-WORD "VEEPSTAKES" IS AN INTOLERABLE "EX-PURE-IENCE"

The English language is filled with exceptionally intriguing words, such as "exceptionally" and "intriguing" (though probably not "words"). I've always loved the sound and texture of "erudite," though I've seldom used it and I've not always enjoyed how folks tend to (mis-)pronounce it. "Discerning," "simultaneous," and just about any well-placed adverb (even in such a pedestrian utterance as "...you did that well..." instead of the embarrassing and inevitable "...you did that good...") bring a smile to my face. A conversation containing such words as, say, "leverage," "luddite," "augment," "florid," apostasy," "vernacular," and, oh, perhaps "disingenuous" would most likely be an interesting one, to say the least, though it should be pointed out that big words need to be accompanied by a lot of little ones to feel authentic--otherwise, it's just a bunch of showing-off.

Of late, "perception" and "inclination" have also climbed up my list of favorite conversational words, as have several words about which I wrote a few posts ago, such as "gelatinous" and "vicissitude." It is therefore the case that I will use a couple of those words now as I state that, of late, it is my perception that American media outlets have an increasing inclination to utilize awful (hybridized) pseudo-words that are so jaw-droppingly stupid they make my stomach churn. For instance, in a country that ostensibly speaks a language containing the gorgeous words "sequence," "lament," and "porcelain," the major U.S. media outlets are insisting on referring to speculation regarding possible vice presidential running mates as "Veepstakes," which is an incredibly lazy combination of "Veep" (already a short, slangy stand-in for "Vice President") and "sweepstakes" (though God only knows why that word found its way in altered form into the term; this is not a Publisher's Clearinghouse drawing...).

It's a painful ordeal listening to adults prattle on endlessly about "Veepstakes" this and "Veepstakes" that, and what's wrong with the phrase "speculation regarding possible vice presidential running mates," anyway? It's only seven words long, not seventy words, so does it really need to be shortened? Have we become so slovenly with our vocabulary that we need to resort to an annoying non-word such as "Veepstakes" to describe the serious and engrossing process of Senators McCain and Obama choosing their running mates? ("Veepstakes" seems like the type of non-word that a precocious eleven-year-old would be proud to have invented and would utter repeatedly and seemingly endlessly while engaged in chewing a hot dog at the next extended family function.)

I hope that the majority of people who use that "word" are just joking around when they do so (the media, by contrast, seems taken with it, and in a serious manner), because, if not, I don't think we've got much further to sink when it comes to the spirit and active use of the English language, which, when used to intelligent effect, might very well be the most dynamic and exciting language in the world (due in no small part to the fact that English is largely an amalgamation of many other, older, less-flexible languages). Yet I'm not particularly hopeful, due in part to the mounting evidence suggesting that we're falling further and further off the track of good taste in vocabulary use each day; while I wrote this, a GMC television ad suggested that their fish oil is a "phenomen-oil" product, and the Kraft company was kind enough to inform me that their salad dressing, which is evidently made of "pure" ingredients (whatever that means), is a great "ex-pure-ience." My goodness....

MEMORANDUM TO THE McCAIN CAMPAIGN: THERE ARE OTHER THINGS TO DO WHEN YOUR ENTIRE STAFF IS SIMULTANEOUSLY DRUNK

There is no way that a single member of the McCain campaign team was sober when they gave the go-ahead for the incredibly off-putting Britney Spears/Paris Hilton television ad that clumsily suggested that Senator Obama is simply a celebrity whose resume' is too thin to be worthy of the majority of votes in November's presidential election. (There are about a hundred better ways to make a similar point without looking like a bunch of cultural and political amateurs, and any half-lucid individual knows this as a matter of course.) Hence, the ad is clearly the result of an office party that, with one drink leading to another leading to another, spun a bit out of control, as these things tend to do.

They most likely have learned their collective lesson (though why they needed to learn it at all, and in such a public manner, is still a bit beyond me), but in case they have not, off the top of my head I will now provide a list of a half-dozen better things to do when one's entire staff is simultaneously drunk:

1.) Recount in order the various mis-steps made by the 1988 Dukakis-for-President campaign between their 17-point mid-summer poll lead and their 8-point autumn loss. (Try to refrain from putting too much emphasis on any one mis-step, such as the ill-fated tank ride, and instead focus on how many mis-steps you can name.)

2.) Imitate President George W. Bush's response to the question of what he and French President Sarkozy were going to eat at his Crawford ranch, affected Texas accent and all: "He can have a hamburger 'r hot dog--his choice." (Make sure that the "or" is pronounced "'r.")

3.) Drive bumper cars in a big loop in the manner used by President George W. Bush when Gordon Brown first set foot on U.S. soil as British prime minister and the two climbed into the inevitable golf cart. (Please refrain from using an actual golf cart while drinking.)

4.) Pretend you are the defense council for Senator Ted Stevens; how would you go about the process of defending him? Now pretend that you are the prosecutor and the senator's lawyer is Matlock. How would you confront that altered scenario?

5.) Have a Howard Dean scream immitation contest, making sure to place the various mentioned states in the run-up to the scream in proper order. (Don't overdo it or you may not be able to speak for a week or more. That being said, if you were involved in the decision to put the Britney Spears/Paris Hilton ad on the air, losing your voice for the forseeable future might actually help your candidate's poll numbers.)

6.) Have a "Surge!" t-shirt design contest (pencil on paper, please; let's avoid working on actual clothing for the time being).