Early Summer Whimsical Political Interlude

The general election cycle is finally upon us, and if we thought the pressure was on the various candidates during the nominating process...well, it seems to be getting ready to crank into overdrive in the next several months. With hot, humid weather sweeping much of the country, media scrutiny invading nearly every aspect of the remaining two candidates' lives (and those of their families), and pots of campaign money the likes of which we've never seen being raised and spent in frighteningly quick periods of time, it would seem likely that Senators McCain and Obama might feel as though they are ready to emotionally explode, which might at least alleviate some of the pressure they feel.

In fact, I wonder what would happen if one or both of them--or perhaps another politician under scrutiny during this campaign season due to a possible future appointment in a new administration--actually did do something (or a series of somethings) completely off-the-wall....

Hmmm....

* What if Senator Chuck Hagel was asked by both Senator McCain and Senator Obama to be their vice presidential running mate, and instead of choosing one or the other, hedged his bets and accepted both offers? How long could he hide this rather untenable situation from both camps, or the media...or even his family? Could he somehow pull-off the near-impossible and convince each side that the other side was "so envious" of the fact that they lost out on him that they decided to print bogus signs with his name as the running mate "in a sad attempt to make me change my mind through a sense of guilt." Could he take it all the way to the Vice Presidential debate in the autumn? If so, would he have to debate himself? Or would the inevitable debate moderator, Jim Lehrer, duly step in at one podium or another, donning a Hagel mask, in order to debate the real Hagel? And, if this happened and the mask was made well, would we be able to tell which one was the 'real' Chuck Hagel? Would the vast majority of us perhaps become so confused as to not care either way? And might this confusion-leading-to-apathy be Senator Hagel's ultimate strategy to become the Vice President no matter who wins in November?"

* Wouldn't it be interesting if the scrutiny regarding possible running mates sent either of the nominees, or perhaps both of them, into a temporarily delusional state of mind, which resulted in one or both of them choosing a dead person as a running mate? It would surely be awfully weird if Senator Obama were to pick, say, Hubert Humphrey as his running mate, on the basis that "he should have beaten Nixon in '68, but a series of unfortunate events corresponded against him. I mean, come on, Nixon? Get real! So now we can rectify that situation, if only somewhat." Or perhaps Senator McCain might temporarily lose his marbles and select Barry Goldwater as his running mate, on the basis that "I hold the Senate seat that previously belonged to him and, though I don't know what structural modifications Barry made, I can honestly say that he crafted it into the most comfortable seat in the whole U.S. Senate. I've rested my tush on other Senate seats, and they're nowhere near as comfortable on my aged body. I don't care what anyone says, in my heart, and my rear, I know he's right!"

* I would cheer robustly if one of the nominees decided inexplicably that, during one relatively boring mid-summer town-hall Lincoln/Douglas-style debate in Middle America, he would refer to his opponent by referencing some of the greatest ever relief pitchers "for the sake of American cultural nostalgia." I can just see it now: "Well, while Gossage may be right regarding previous military expenditures, I would suggest that in this instance we ought to..."; "I cannot believe that my opponent, The Eck, thinks that consumer confidence would be undermined further if we..."; "I hope everyone noticed that Mariano attempted to jam me just then by throwing a politically-motivated cutter high and tight when he suggested...."

* Genuine entertainment would most likely be had if cameras caught John Edwards and Evan Bayh getting into a fist-fight regarding whose hair "is more Vice Presidential, Hollywood-style," only to have Joe Biden burst into the room and beat both of them to a pulp while yelling repeatedly, "That's for stealing my hair gel! No one steals my hair gel, you fops!" (Chris Dodd would remain locked and hidden in a nearby cupboard, carefully grooming one of his custom-made "Big-And-Blindingly-White" wigs. The BABW wig company's tagline is "...for the lifelong liberal legislator in all of us....")

* I think it would be exciting if, during one of the autumn Presidential debates, Hillary Clinton managed to hack into the network systems, cutting off the candidates in mid-debate in order to speak directly into the camera and broadcast the following science-fiction-film-like statement (complete with metallic vocal reverberations and glowing red Clinton-eyes): "I had hoped to do this the normal way, but my American minions went astray, so I am taking over through the implimentation of 'Plan B.' I will say nothing more about it except that it begins now and if you look outside and see silver ro-beasts in the sky, just know that if you comply they will not harm you. Also, Bill Richardson, I still hate you, and you'd better be in hiding for the foreseeable future!..."

...And what if, just then, the vaporous ghost of Richard Nixon appeared in the air above Senator Clinton's glowing head and rather tauntingly said (in a Scooby-Doo-esque "ghost" voice), "Give it up, Hillary! You don't even know how to make a good enemies list. Two dozen names--ha! I had over 7,000 on mine. Now that's a list, you political amateur!" And, as he floated away, looking oddly tanned and rested, he could be heard saying, "Boy oh boy, did I ever check-out at the right time--these people have no idea how to do paranoia properly. America's going to the loons and I'm going home. Hey Kennedy, get away from my cloud! What? No, that's a blow-up doll, you ass! Jeez, the guy gets all the hanky-panky up here, too, and he still has to raid my toys...."

* Wouldn't it be sort of cool if both Senator McCain and Senator Obama ran out of gas (both literally and figuratively) prior to the conventions, and everyone at each convention, depressed with their choices, had way too much to drink, and wound up nominating Dennis Miller and Bruce Springsteen as the Republican and Democratic nominees? If that were the case, I would think it entirely appropriate if the women made a sort of ginned-up double-coup while the guys were fighting drunkenly over who gets to sit on the keg, and Miller and Springsteen were tossed out, to be replaced by Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius. Actually, in all seriousness, they wouldn't be bad Republican and Democratic nominee choices at all....